Are you tired of having the same kind of sex over and over again? Then why not try a bit of sensate focus therapy…
Sensate focus is about rediscovering the joys of you and your partner's largest sex organ (your skin) and your most powerful sex organ (your brain) without putting any pressure on your performance.
The rules of the game
There is a giver and a receiver.
It's the responsibility of the giver to set a sexy scene: use candles, music, textures, the right temperature, etc.
Now take your time to discover your partner's body – start with the kind of massaging you are used to, but then move on to other sensations: light touch, heat, nibbling, deep rubbing, silky materials, etc. on every single part of your partner's body. Every person has a preference for the way they like to be touched on each part of their bodies. Most often, we don't even know what our preferences are, because we have never taken the time to discover it.
Here is the catch: no kissing on the mouth, no contact whatsoever with breasts or genitals and most importantly: no penetrative sex!
The idea is to get aroused; very aroused! Whether you are the giver or the receiver, you have to focus on becoming aroused by what is happening between you – take in all the sensations, focus on what that is doing to your brain (your subjective arousal) and your body (your objective arousal).
No talking is allowed during the session.
After the session, have a coffee/whiskey and tell each other five things you enjoyed about the session – be specific: "I found it very arousing when you were stroking my inner thighs with the silky cloth." You are not allowed to mention anything that is negative.
Take turns to be the giver and the receiver. Do this exercise every now and then on a lazy Sunday or holiday. It helps you to continuously rediscover yourself and your partner and it is great for enhancing your intimacy.
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The Sex Of Your Dreams
Taboo Sex
Whether it's a passionate romp with a stranger, sex with another woman, or a porn-worthy orgy, Bulkeley says these dream scenes may reflect your inner desires, albeit in some cases an extreme version of a lusty longing. There's a male/female divide on this type of dream: in Zadra's research, men were twice as likely as women to dream about multiple partners, while the female unconscious favoured getting busy with a celeb.
Either way, there's no holding back racy thoughts in dreams. That's because they're judgment-free zones in which our subconscious can let loose and we can live out a fantasy, even if we'd never act on it in real life. So lie back and enjoy.
Blast From The Past
It's not unusual for exes to creep into sex dreams, but having an erotic dream starring an old crush usually doesn't mean you still harbour feelings. More likely, it's your brain reusing a familiar face from your past. "Research shows that there's a repetition dimension to dreaming, which is why we still have anxiety dreams about not studying for an exam years after leaving school," says Bulkeley. "Our past experiences shape who we are today, and though the man in the dream may not be in your life anymore, he's still a part of who you are."
Exes who appear in dreams often symbolise your current partner, if you have one, says Holloway. "Making out with an ex might mean you want your current partner to find you desirable too," she says.
Why Did I Dream That?
Elena, a single 32-year-old, recently woke up flushed and sweaty from a sex dream during which she had an intense orgasm. She was pleasantly surprised at first, but then details started flooding back. "It was with my best friend," she admits. "My best girl friend." The dream left her feeling embarrassed and disturbed, wondering what on earth it all meant.
That's the tricky part about getting down and dirty in your dreams: while you may love the steamy sex scenes and, in some cases, the sheet-twisting sensations those visions can provide, you may also wake up feeling confused, guilty or totally freaked out. Do these unconscious fantasies mean you're secretly attracted to your best friend? That you still harbour feelings for your ex? Or that you're subconsciously yearning to hook up with a colleague you thought you despised?
Highly-charged nocturnal sessions happen because of normal physiological changes: During the rapid eye movement (REM) sleep cycle, your central nervous system fires up and your body goes through the same physical reactions that occur when you're turned on in real life. "In REM, breathing and blood flow naturally increase, including blood flow to the genitals," says Californian dream researcher Dr Kelly Bulkeley. "So it's not surprising that these physiological changes often express themselves as an erotic dream." Your menstrual cycle can also influence the likelihood of having an unconscious frisky frolic: a Journal of Sex Research study found that women have more sex dreams during ovulation, probably because their libidos are higher then (driven by the biological urge to procreate).
Dr Antonio Zadra, a professor of psychology at the University of Montréal, analysed more than 3500 dreams and discovered that at least eight percent of them contained some sort of sexual activity. His findings suggest that erotic dreams may have a straightforward psychological explanation: they simply reflect what we're thinking about when we're awake. So if you dream about sex at night, it's because it was on your mind during the day. And if you have ever woken up thinking you've had a legitimate orgasm while asleep, you might have – four percent of our dreams actually result in one. (Interestingly, men's dreams are more selfish; they rarely dream about their partners' orgasms, whereas women often do.)
However, not all sex dreams are actually about sex, says Bulkeley. Sometimes they're a symbol for emotions, such as being pissed off at your partner. "Dreams can use the drama of a sexual relationship to express emotional truths and reveal conflicts," he says. "I once spoke with a woman who wanted to become a writer, but her husband was totally opposed to the idea. One night she dreamed that she was having an affair with a male writer. The dream had nothing to do with sex – her goals were causing conflict in her relationship." That said, he adds, "the worst thing to do is to treat a dream like it's a crystal ball." (In other words, if you dream that you or your partner cheated, for example, it isn't necessarily a red flag that your relationship is in hot water.) Instead, think of your dreams as cues to do some exploring about yourself or your relationship.
Crack The Code
While the meanings behind common symbols are subjective, here's a look at what they can signify:
Kissing: A passionate liplock can be a symbol of approval and acceptance.
Nakedness: Nudity often represents being vulnerable and may symbolise exposing parts of yourself that you would rather keep hidden.
Love: Not surprisingly, it's all about romance. If you're attached, a dream of real love means you're happy with the relationship. If you're single, it means you're open to finding love.
Attraction: Finding someone attractive can mean you're craving the feeling or experience that person represents to you, according to some dream dictionaries.
His Cheating Heart
Unfaithfulness is the most common dream scenario for couples, says Bulkeley, and that's no surprise: getting close to someone means being vulnerable. Dreams that include threats, like your man fooling around, are like fire drills, he says. "Your dreaming mind might imagine the worst-case scenario – cheating – to prepare yourself for if it happened," says Bulkeley.
These dreams may reflect your lack of confidence and trust, notes Dr Drew Ramsey, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. Or, having a dream about a partner's infidelity can mean you feel like you're not getting his attention, says Dr Gillian Holloway, author of The Complete Dream Book of Love and Relationships. If so, talk with your guy about how you two can stay more connected. If you're having dream flings, this can also signal you're not getting what you need from your partner, according to psychologist and dream analysis expert Michael Lennox. And that's another reason to have a talk.
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Sex and Relationships in the Media
"Amber O’Brien, 25, is having the time of her life. Recently she decided it was time to have breast implants. Amber’s proudest achievement: buying a condo. Her life mission: always be open to new ideas. Her pet peeve: people who pressure you into doing things."
Source: Breast implant advertisementThe pressure put on women through ads, television, film and new media to be sexually attractive—and sexually active—is profound. The National Eating Disorders Association reports that one out of four TV commercials send some kind of "attractiveness message," telling viewers what is and is not attractive. Children Now reports that 38 per cent of the female characters in video games are scantily clad, 23 per cent baring breasts or cleavage, 31 per cent exposing thighs, another 31 per cent exposing stomachs or midriffs, and 15 per cent baring their behinds.
Provocative images of women's partly clothed or naked bodies are especially prevalent in advertising. Shari Graydon, former president of Canada’s Media Action Média, argues that women’s bodies are sexualized in ads in order to grab the viewer’s attention. Women become sexual objects when their bodies and their sexuality are linked to products that are bought and sold.
Media activist Jean Kilbourne agrees. She notes that women’s bodies are often dismembered into legs, breasts or thighs, reinforcing the message that women are objects rather than whole human beings.
Although women’s sexuality is no longer a taboo subject, many researchers question whether or not the blatant sexualization of women’s bodies in the media is liberating. Laurie Abraham, executive editor of Elle magazine, warns that the biggest problem with women’s magazines is "how much we lie about sex." Those "lies" continue to perpetuate the idea that women’s sexuality is subservient to men’s pleasure. In her study of Cosmopolitan and Playboy magazines, for example, Nicole Krassas found that both men and women’s magazines contain a single vision of female sexuality—that "women should primarily concern themselves with attracting and sexually satisfying men."
The presence of misinformation and media stereotypes is disturbing, given research that indicates young people often turn to media for information about sex and sexuality. In 2003, David Buckingham and Sara Bragg reported that two-thirds of young people turn to media when they want to learn about sex - the same percentage of kids who ask their mothers for information and advice.
Many researchers argue that the over-representation of thin women in mass media reinforces the conclusion that "physically attractive" and "sexually desirable" mean "thin." Amy Malkin’s study of magazine covers reveals that messages about weight loss are often placed next to messages about men and relationships. Some of her examples: "Get the Body You Really Want" beside "How to Get Your Husband to Really Listen," and "Stay Skinny" paired with "What Men Really Want."
The fascination with finding out what men really want also tends to keep female characters in film and television busy. Professor Nancy Signorielli reports that men are more likely than women to be shown "on the job" in movies and television shows. Female characters, on the other hand, are more likely to be seen dating, or talking about romance.
Sex and Violence
That romance often has a darker side. As Graydon notes, the media infantilize women, portraying them as child-like, innocent and vulnerable. Being vulnerable is often closely linked to being a potential victim of violence. Kilbourne argues that ads like the Fetish scent ad (right) imply "women don’t really mean 'no' when they say it, that women are only teasing when they resist men’s advances." The ad’s copy reads: "Apply generously to your neck so he can smell the scent as you shake your head 'no.'" The obvious implication here is, "he’ll understand that you don’t really mean it and he can respond to the scent like any other animal."
Kilbourne notes that sex in the media is often condemned "from a puritanical perspective—there’s too much of it, it’s too blatant, it will encourage kids to be promiscuous, etc." But, she concludes, sex in the media "has far more to do with trivializing sex than with promoting it. The problem is not that it is sinful but that it is synthetic and cynical. We are offered a pseudo-sexuality that makes it far more difficult to discover our own unique and authentic sexuality."
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